JESUS my Lord and Savior
©All Rights Reserved-Anastasia Diamond
Come Alongside
To come alongside the grieving is to be side-by-side and shoulder-to-shoulder with them.
The simple coupling of these words creates a powerful word picture of unity and solidarity; oneness and togetherness. It is a true honor and a gift to be with another human being, as they allow you to share in the darkest moments of their soul. In the span of a lifetime, each of us is granted a number of unique opportunities to experience our own grief…and to come alongside others in their grief. Loss happens to all of us. It is unavoidable.
The natural response to loss is to grieve.
Everyone who is grieving needs some level of companionship and social support…a safe place to explore their feelings, the freedom to practice their cultural customs and rituals, and true acceptance of how they grieve…for how ever long that takes. Additionally, they need accurate information and education about the natural grieving process. This is where friends, family, counselors, pastors and others with patience and love, can come alongside the grieving…sincerely acknowledging the gravity of what they have experienced… while encouraging and supporting them through their grief in a non-threatening manner. Walking with them through their grief process, so that in time they will find the courage to acknowledge the loss, experience the pain, re-adjust to a world without whom ever or what ever they lost …and find closure in moving on and saying good-bye.
Grief after-care…
Sadly, many people do not get all of the grief after-care necessary to assist them in walking through the process in a healthy and healing manner. Therefore, though we may not know it, we meet people every day who are at various stages in the grieving process and attempting to cope with new or lingering loss issues. It is important to remember that though some losses are obviously new, there are also the forgotten grievers. Those who are still grieving a loss that may have happened years before; and long after most friends, family, and the church have all but forgotten.
Good intentions…but I don’t know what to say or do.
Most of us have good intentions, and truly desire to be encouraging and supportive when faced with a person who is grieving and mourning a loss. We just don’t know what to say, or when and how to say it. Therefore, we often stumble through; at times saying things that at best sound like a poorly written sympathy card, and at worse – we say things that hinder rather than help, and hurt instead of heal.
Who we are when we are faced with the challenges of interacting with someone who is devastated by loss speaks volumes of how we ourselves have dealt with our own loss and grief issues.
Care givers are at risk of re-opening the wounds of their own grief.
We may sincerely desire to come alongside and walk with them through the darkness and into the light. Nonetheless, every time we encounter someone who is grieving the loss of love, faith, hope, a pet, family, friendship, fellowship, marriage, a job, home, health, mother, father, husband, wife, sister, brother, or child…. We are at risk of re-opening the wound of our own grief.
Even the seasoned grief counselor will have times and circumstances that will bring tears and emotions. They could not do what they do if they stopped feeling. However, to be of value to the grieving…a grief counselor’s tears and emotions are most helpful when motivated from that place of ‘coming alongside’…not from their own unresolved grief issues.
When talking with a grieving person, we can be the most helpful if we ourselves are sincerely moving toward a place of wholeness and hope in our own grieving process. If not, our grief may spurt out and spill over; covering the tender wound in the griever’s heart with even more hopelessness and despair than when they first started. Unfortunately, this can happen when our own loss issues have not sufficiently healed. Then we too walk away disillusioned and wounded; carrying renewed feelings of loss and grief.
Coming along-side the grieving…or cleansing your own wounds?
So, you may now ask: How can I get to the place of being able to truly come alongside someone who is grieving…and leave them better than I found them?
First things first; you must do your own grief work before you can truly come alongside some one else who is grieving. Otherwise, you may not be coming alongside them at all. Instead, you may knowingly or unknowingly, be sharing in their grief only to have a forum to expose and cleanse your own wound….or to make less of their grief and make more of your own. Like a contest; comparing who has suffered more. This is not healthy for either of you.
When you are talking with someone who is grieving while you are in the midst of your own grief, and find yourself thinking, I am the best person for you to talk to, or saying something like, “I know exactly what you’re going through”…Take a breath, and step back from the situation. Maybe you are the right person; but maybe it is not the right time. Maybe you are not quite ready yet. It truly depends on how fresh and open your own grief wound is, and how much grief work you have done at the time. You must take care of yourself before you can honestly and effectively care for another.
Doctor…is that a wound in your hand?
Perhaps this will illustrate the point. How effective would the most brilliant surgeon be if he had a gapping, bleeding wound in his hand…while operating on the gapping, bleeding wound in your hand? Granted, he has been there…he does know what you are going through; but he is not functioning at 100%. Both his perspective and his skill have been compromised by the wound in his own hand. Untreated, his wound could infect your already injured hand and negatively affect your healing process.
As for the patient, you are anaesthetized and in no condition to protest; or even know that the surgeon is incapable of operating at the time. I think it is safe to say that if you were fully aware and had a choice, you would choose a surgeon with the experience to operate on your wound, but not one of the walking wounded himself, while he is still bleeding. However, once his hand is functioning well, this same doctor will perform hand surgeries with a deeper compassion and stark awareness of what his patients have and will experience. He will truly understand what it will take for them to function in complete wholeness again. He will be able to sincerely tell them that though their hand will be somewhat different after surgery, they will survive and be able lead a full and productive life again.
Indeed, if he shares what he learned from his own wound and healing process, he will be a better doctor; one capable of coming alongside his patients. Both they and he will benefit from his experience.
We are all much like the doctor and patient in this story. We must be ever so careful in how we care for the grieving and their wounds. We must therefore ensure that we ourselves are taken care of and understand the process before we attempt to perform an operation on another’s wounded mind, heart and/or spirit.
We must know, within our own experience, that there truly is life beyond wounds and earthly loss. Otherwise, we will offer myths, empty promises, and cliché answers that will only partially cover the pain, but not assist in their walk toward wholeness.
Finding a New Normal
People who are grieving are often anaesthetized by the pain of the loss; numb and unaware at first. Yet, they do know they are wounded. They wonder and ask…will I ever feel normal; will my life ever be the same again? The hard answer is no, your life after this loss will be different. Wait, don’t run away and hide. Different does not have to be horrible, empty and lonely; different is different. None of us can recapture time, and often the people and things grieved over may be gone from this world forever. However, we can all learn to adjust, to find enjoyment, and fulfillment in a new way of living life; and that becomes our new normal.
One of the precious gifts you are likely to receive in ministering to grieving hearts is the opportunity to assist them in finding peace, hope, faith, healing, comfort…and contentment in their new normal. You may assist them by coming along-side the grieving in their walk towards wholeness in a life without those things, circumstances and people they thought they could never live without.
Yes…it is a challenge. However, you may find deep within you – a Holy Spirit inspired well of blessed and merciful resourcefulness…just waiting to be tapped.
As you come alongside the grieving, you will have the blessed opportunity to draw them towards a renewed, fulfilled and productive life…beyond the valley of the shadow of their loss…and into a closer walk with Jesus.
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Anastasia Diamond
JESUS my Lord and Savior 